Shear Mayhem
by ColdFusion180
Summary: The Acolytes visit a hair salon.


**Shear Mayhem**

"Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I've done this," Pyro commented as he strode down the sidewalk. "Until today I never really thought about it."

"Speak for yourself _homme_," Remy said walking next to him. "I've been meaning to go out and get a haircut."

"Me too," Piotr added following behind Remy. "It has been quite a while. Though I am surprised Magneto allowed us out of the base so soon after he complained about all the damage we did during our last outing. Are you sure he said it was okay?"

"Course I'm sure. He gave me official permission and everything," Pyro smiled reassuringly. "His exact words were 'Get outta my sight you careless crazy maniac!' right after I made a chicken pot pie and warmed it up in front of him."

"Oh boy," Remy whistled. "I don't suppose you accidentally overheated the pie and it exploded, thus splattering hot pie stuffing all over Mags' face?"

"Wow, how did you know?" Pyro blinked.

"Eh, lucky guess," Remy shrugged.

"Idiots," Sabertooth growled as he trudged along next to Piotr. "No wonder the boss tries to avoid being around you fools most of the time. He can't stand being exposed to your stupidity."

"Hey, nobody forced you to come along on this trip," Pyro snapped. "If you wanna split and go back to the base, go right ahead!"

"Are you kidding? I need to get rid of this," Sabertooth gestured to his long, unkempt hair. "Having it this long most of the year is okay, but in this heat it's murder. Plus it slows me down too much when it gets wet or when I need to quickly turn my head."

"Sure, it's your **hair** that's slowing you down," Remy drawled sarcastically. "Not that layer of fat you have stored up around your waist."

"Wanna see what layers you have stored up around **your** waist" Sabertooth roared flashing his claws. "I'd be glad to rip it open and show them to you personally!"

"Please, do not fight," Piotr placed himself between Sabertooth and Remy. "Especially while we are in public."

"Yeah Sabes," Remy smirked. "You don't want everyone to see how slow you are with your hair this long, do you?"

"Grrrrrr," Sabertooth growled at Remy dangerously.

"Here we are," Pyro announced as the Acolytes approached a brightly colored building. The words "Slash, Snip & Burn" were displayed above it in large letters.

"What?" Sabertooth stopped and balked at the sight. "I ain't going in there. I though we were going to a barber shop, not some stupid frou-frou beauty salon!"

"It's a hair salon, not a beauty salon," Remy rolled his eyes. "Everybody goes to these places to get their hair cut nowadays, not just _femmes _obsessed with their appearances. Besides, there aren't any real barber shops in this town."

"Uh uh! Forget it!" Sabertooth snapped. "I'm not letting some makeup-laden, air-headed woman touch **my** hair and play dress-up with it!"

"Come on Sabes," Remy waved. "These people are professionals. They're not gonna do anything you don't want them to. And it looks like some of the hairdressers in there are male."

"Male hairdressers. That is just wrong," Sabertooth shivered as the Acolytes entered the salon. "Give me a good, old-fashioned master barber any day.

"Hmmm, I did not expect it to be so crowded," Piotr noted looking around the semi-open space. Almost a dozen people were currently being attended to by hairdressers while another dozen patiently waited in their seats.

One customer was just finishing paying a light, sandy haired man in a hairdresser's smock standing behind a small counter. The man noticed the Acolytes and greeted them. "Hello! Welcome to Slash, Snip and Burn. I'm Charlie. How may I help you today?"

"Hi there! We're here for some haircuts," Pyro chirped cheerfully. "Do you really burn the hair when you cut it?"

"Uh, no sir. We do not," Charlie blinked, surprised. "The burn part is just part of our salon name."

"Awww, too bad," Pyro sighed. "Want me to burn everyone's hair for you?"

"Don't even think about it!" Remy hauled Pyro back from the counter. He gave Charlie a look. "Just set us up from some haircuts."

"Okay." Charlie nodded and inspected the salon's computer. "Looks like the current wait is about half and hour, so if you would just take a seat we'll..."

"What was that?" Sabertooth growled and loomed over the man with a dangerous glint in his eye.

"We'll...we'll get to each of you as soon possible," Charlie gulped nervously. "In fact I can take one of you right now!"

"That's more like it," Sabertooth grunted and followed Charlie to an empty trimming station. "Sooner I get this over with the better."

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed at Sabertooth's behavior.

"Alright! Low waiting times," Pyro grinned. "I'm starting to like this place."

"So am I," Remy said as he eyed several female hairdressers.

"H...here you are sir," Charlie stammered as he guided Sabertooth to a chair. He fearfully draped a large cutting cape around him. "How would you like your hair done?"

"Eh, just cut it off about here," Sabertooth indicated neck level. "And get some of the thickness out of it. I keep getting overheated."

"Yes sir. Whatever you say," Charlie gulped at Sabertooth's formidable and tangled mane of hair. He nervously reached for a water sprayer.

"So what I can do for you today?" A red-headed female hairdresser asked as she attended to Remy.

"Just a slight trim if you please, _mademoiselle_," Remy smiled charmingly in his seat. "Though I'd welcome anything that would allow me to keep listening to your sweet and melodious voice."

"Oh, okay," The redhead blushed slightly.

"Wheeeeeeeee! This is fun!" Pyro laughed as he happily twirled around in another salon chair.

"Sir, please!" A startled hairdresser stood nearby watching Pyro spin around nervously. "I can't cut your hair if you won't sit still!"

"Right," Pyro stopped and faced the hairdresser looking somewhat dizzy. "So what do you have that I can use to burn my hair?"

"Hey, what are you doing back there?" Sabertooth growled as he continued to be sprayed with water. "You're supposed to cut my hair, not give me a shower."

"Sorry sir," Charlie gulped timidly. "I'm just wetting the hair down so it will brush and cut easier."

"Well knock it off!" Sabertooth snapped irritably. "Dealing with it when it's wet is one reason why I want the hair cut."

"Yes sir," Charlie nodded and set the water sprayer aside. He picked up a comb and tried to run it through Sabertooth's hair. "Ooofff. I think it's stuck."

"There. How does that look?" A blonde female hairdresser asked as she stood behind Piotr at another station.

"Good," Piotr said inspecting his hair in the mirror. "Keep it just like that please. Short and neat."

"Of course," The blonde smiled reassuringly.

"But it's a great idea," Pyro said as his got his haircut. "Burning the hair would give it body while making it nice and crisp. You gotta let me try it!"

"Uh, I really don't think that would be a good idea," The female hairdresser gave Pyro a funny look. "If you'd like I could run your hair through a hot straightening iron or...oh." She noticed a new customer waiting at the desk. "Just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Okay," Pyro nodded absently as she went off. "Oooh, what's this?" He got up and looked at the numerous bottles and containers arrayed at the station. "Neat!"

Pyro picked up a small bottle of cologne and sprayed some on the back of his hand. He experimentally sniffed it. "Ew, yuck!" He made a face and tossed the bottle into a trash can.

"I simply love what you've done with your eyes," The red-headed hairdresser giggled as she proceeded to trim Remy's hair. "The red-on-black look goes with your hair perfectly. What kind of contacts do you use? Are the lenses hard or organic?"

"They're all natural," Remy said smoothly. He was about to continue flirting with her when he heard something from the hair cutting station next to him.

"I'm telling you those mutants are a menace," Principal Kelly grumbled as he had his hair cut. "They're always causing problems and chaos everywhere they go."

"Uh huh." His male hairdresser hummed absently as he worked on Kelly's comb-over.

"Especially the mutants from that Institute of Xavier's," Kelly went on as his head was tilted back and a towel placed over his eyes. "One of them forced the school to return half of our trophies and awards due to suspected cheating and another keeps destroying the Home Ec. rooms! Giving them weekly detentions is the only power the staff has to keep them in line. Like the one I gave to that weird goth girl with the white streak in her hair."

_Oh, really?_ Remy thought and began to twitch as the redhead kept complementing him.

"What's taking so long?" Sabertooth growled as he impatiently drummed his claws against the chair. "You haven't even started cutting yet."

"Sorry," Charlie panted as he struggled to brush Sabertooth's hair. "Your hair is just so thick and...ooofff!" He gasped as the latest comb he was working with broke. He threw the bulk of it away and stared at the broken remains of six other combs embedded in Sabertooth's hair. "Um, can I please have you come over to the washing station sir? I think it could really use a good rinse."

"What? Grrrrrr, alright," Sabertooth grunted as he got up and moved to the rear of the salon. He sat down and leaned his head back into a sink. "And be careful will ya? I don't want the rest of me getting wet."

"Yes sir," Charlie gulped and began to carefully wash Sabertooth's hair.

"Hehehehehe!" Pyro giggled as he drew on the large mirror at his trimming station with a bottle of colored hair foam. Several empty hair foam bottles lay next to him. "This is fun! Look, I drew a fire dragon!"

"Sorry about the interruption," The female hairdresser said as she returned from the front counter. "Now I'll start to work on the top and...hey! What are you doing?"

"The dragon is flying! And he's spewing forth his fiery breath!" Pyro laughed grabbing the cutting station's hair dryer and turned on. He held up two separate bottles of red and yellow hair foam and squeezed them in front of the hair dryer's nozzle. "Fire away!

"Aaaggghhhhhh!" The hairdresser screamed as she was covered with hair foam.

"What the?" Several people at nearby cutting stations turned to stare at Pyro.

"Oh no," Piotr groaned covering his eyes. "Not again!"

"Aren't you done yet?" Sabertooth snapped still leaning back at the wash station. "Hurry up and cut the hair off already!"

"Just a few more minutes sir," Charlie gulped as he worked. The man had called in help and there were now three hairdressers gathered around the sink washing Sabertooth's hair. "The tangles are finally starting to come loose. We'll just dab on a little shampoo to help clean everything and..."

"What?" Sabertooth yelled. "No not that!"

"Hey!" Charlie yelped as Sabertooth started to thrash about. "Hold him down!"

"No! Let go of me!" Sabertooth shouted as he tried to get up, but couldn't due to his awkward position and the hairdressers holding onto his hair. "Don't even think about treating me with that stuff!"

"Sir please calm down!" Charlie gasped as he and his colleagues struggled to keep Sabertooth's hair in the sink. "The shampoo is perfectly safe! It contains tea tree oil and gives off a nice peppermint scent..."

"WHAT?" Sabertooth yelped. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"All done," The red-headed hairdresser smiled as she removed Remy's cutting cape.

"_Merci_ _petite_," Remy grinned as he stood up and ran a hand through his hair. He turned and flashed the redhead a disarming smile. "How much?"

"Oh, no charge. This one is on me," The redhead giggled at him. "So, do you have any plans this evening?"

"Well, I..." Remy began but was cut off by a loud scream.

"HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" A hairdresser shouted frantically.

"KEEP THAT STINKING SHAMPOO AWAY FROM ME!" Sabertooth yelled as he trashed about in the back. "LET GO OF MY HAIR YOU LUNATICS! NO NOT THE CONDITIONER! AAARRGGGHHH!"

"Huh?" The redhead blinked and looked at the battle raging around the wash station. "Uh oh! Sorry! Gotta go! Bye!" She ran towards the back and tapped Kelly's male hairdresser on the shoulder. "Come on! Charlie needs our help!"

"Right!" Kelly's hairdresser agreed as they ran off.

"Hey, what's going on?" Kelly asked with the towel still over his eyes. "Is my hair all done?"

"No," Remy quickly moved over and kept the towel over Kelly's eyes. He spoke in a rough impersonation of Kelly's hairdresser's voice. "Just need to do a few more little things. Keep leaning back and relax."

"Okay," Kelly sighed. "Though it's hard to relax after dealing with those darn mutants all day. You never know what trouble they are going to cause next."

"No you don't," Remy grinned evilly and reached for a pair of scissors.

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro whooped as he continued to spray hair foam everywhere.

"Look out!" Patrons screamed and scattered as they frenetically tried to avoid being hit. "Somebody stop that kid!"

"Stop it!" Piotr shouted as he got up from his chair. He shielded his eyes with one hand while attempting to grab Pyro with the other.

"Yuck! What is this stuff?" Several patrons yelped as they were randomly covered with foam. "Hey! Everyone's hair is changing color!"

"Yay! It's foam tag time!" Pyro laughed and skipped out of range. He popped open several more bottles of hair foam and began to randomly squirt them about the salon. "Can't catch me!"

"Get back here!" Piotr shouted as he chased after Pyro.

"What's all that noise?" Kelly asked still blinded by the towel.

"Just the radio sir," Remy said and he worked on Kelly's hair. "You know what weird stuff teenagers like to listen to these days."

"Tell me about it," Kelly sighed as Remy reached for a bottle of hair dye.

"WAAAUUUGGGHHH!" Sabertooth yelled as he desperately tried to get free. By now every hairdresser in the salon was either frantically washing Sabertooth's hair or struggling to hold him down. "LET ME GO! LET ME GO!"

"Work it in there!" Charlie shouted as an entire bottle of shampoo was emptied onto Sabertooth's head.

"Oh my gosh! Look at all this gunk that's coming out!" One of the female hairdressers yelled as she scrubbed Sabertooth's hair. "This is disgusting!"

"Are those real rat tails?" Another hairdresser reeled in horror.

"Look out! He's flailing around again!" A male hairdresser yelled.

CRACK!

WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The dedicated hairdressers screamed as Sabertooth broke the sink faucet and water began to shoot everywhere.

"NO! NOT MORE WATER! GAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Sabertooth wailed as the sink overflowed and bubbles began to seep onto the floor. Sabertooth flailed his arms about and began to throw anything he could get his hands on.

SMASH!

CRASH!

TINKLE! TINKLE!

"Yikes!" Piotr ducked as a bottle of hair tonic sailed over his head and shattered a large standing mirror. "This is getting dangerous!"

BUZZ! BUZZ!

"Yeah! Yeah!" Pyro laughed maniacally as he turned on all the electric hair trimmers and let them lose upon the floor.

"AAAHHHHHH! RUN!" Most of the remaining patrons screamed and fled from the salon in terror.

"GAAAHHHHHH!" One poor man yelled as he was set upon by hair trimmers. He barely managed to crawl out the front door with his clothes reduced to tatters.

"What the heck is causing all that noise?" Kelly yelped from the sounds of destruction in the background. "Are we under attack?"

"No, no. It's just the TV," Remy said as several more mirrors shattered and crashed to the floor. "You know what all happens in politics these days."

"Oh, right," Kelly agreed. "Wait a second. I don't remember seeing a TV in here before."

"Bubbles! Bubbles everywhere!" Pyro cackled insanely as he skipped about turning on all the hair dryers. Several of them pointed towards the wet floor and blew wads of bubbles into the air.

"Ahhh!" Piotr accidentally inhaled a small batch of bubbles. He immediately began coughing and tried to spit them out. "Yuck! I think some of them when up my nose!"

"Get the hair smoother!" A soaked hairdresser called out from the small mob still diligently hovering over Sabertooth.

"More conditioner!" Another determined hairdresser yelled.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Sabertooth screamed as he frantically struggled to break free.

"Okay. All done," Remy smirked as he leaned Kelly up and removed the towel from his face with a flourish.

"Finally. I was beginning to get nervous with all the screams from the TV and...AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Kelly screeched as he saw his appearance in the mirror. Half of his hair had been dyed red with green highlights and stuck out from his head like a clown's while the rest of his hair had been shaved off. "AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH! MY HAIR!"

"I have to admit, it's you," Remy grinned.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR?" Kelly wailed staring at the mirror. "LOOK AT ME! I'M HALF BALD...MMMMMMPPPPPPHHH!" Remy quickly wrapped the large unfolded towel around Kelly's head.

"Hope you enjoy the towel treatment," Remy said cheerfully. "It's soaked nice and wet with aftershave!"

"UUUUUUMMMMMMPPPHHHHHH!" Kelly shrieked painfully as the aftershave seeped into his eyes.

"Have fun showing off your new haircut at school!" Remy laughed as he dragged Kelly over and kicked him out the front door. "Thank you! Please come again!"

"Wheeeeeeeee!" Pyro chirped as he slid across the foam and water covered floor shooting styling cream everywhere.

BUZZZRRRKKK! FIZZ! FIZZ!

Several wandering electric hair trimmers shorted out from the water while others began to crawl up the walls.

"Sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy..." Remy grinned as he counted a large wad of bills, having pick-pocketed Kelly's wallet. "Hey, nice set of credit cards!"

"BLUBBB!" Sabertooth sputtered, now completely soaked with shampoo and water. "GAAAHHHHH! THESE NUTS ARE TRYING TO DROWN ME!"

"Okay! I think his hair is clean enough! Start shaving his sideburns!" Charlie yelled.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Sabertooth screamed.

"Lookie! It's a raft of penguins!" Pyro squealed as he happily burned pictures into the walls using a pair of hot curling irons. "A raft of penguins that breathe fire!"

"Stop that...whoa!" Piotr shouted as he tried to intercept Pyro, but slipped on some stray hair foam. He fell down and slid across the floor into a large display of hair gel. "Aaahhhhhh!"

CRASH!

"Breathe, penguins, breathe!" Pyro cackled and used his powers to turn the smoldering parts of the walls into flames. The flames went shooting through the air and hit a long shelf containing dozens of bottles of hair spray.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The hairdressers jumped at the noise and saw burning bottles of hair spray shooting all over the wrecked salon. They finally stopped fusing over Sabertooth and ran for their lives out the back door.

"WAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth yelled and headed towards the front, slipping and sliding about the whole way. "LET ME OUTTA HERE!"

"Come on!" Remy shouted as the building's fire alarms went off. "Time for us to go!"

"Right!" Piotr answered as he got to his feet covered in hair gel. He managed to grab Pyro by the collar and hauled him out the front door.

"Gahhhhhh!" Sabertooth gasped as the Acolytes quickly distanced themselves from the smoking, ruined hair salon. "I can't believe I made it out of there alive! Those people are crazy!"

"They are not the only ones," Piotr groaned wiping hair gel from his arms while glancing at his teammates.

"That was fun!" Pyro laughed as a few more makeshift hair spray rockets shot out the salon windows and flew into the sky. "I had a great time!"

"So did I," Remy smirked and patted the hidden pockets of his trench coat. "Got some cash and picked up a whole load of body wash, lip balm and that tea tree oil shampoo."

"No! No more shampoo! Anything but the shampoo!" Sabertooth twitched and ran off ahead screaming. "That's it! I'm never gonna go in for a haircut again! Never, never, never!"

"Hey, I still have some electric curling irons and hair trimmers," Pyro said holding them up. He indicated Sabertooth's fleeing form and winked at the others evilly. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Oh yeah," Remy grinned with a wicked gleam in his eye. "I can't wait for Sabes and Mags to fall sleep tonight!"

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.<strong>


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